The Nameless Professor
by Quiet Leaf
Summary: Edward sighed in defeat. "Fine, I'll take the job—but on one condition." / "Ask away." Dumbledore smiled, eyes twinkling. / Leaning forward with a smirk of epic proportions, Ed said nine words: "No one is allowed to know my first name." One-shot.


Edward sighed in defeat. "Fine, I'll take the job—but on one condition."

"Ask away." Dumbledore smiled, eyes twinkling.

Leaning forward with a smirk of epic proportions, Ed said nine words: "No one is allowed to know my first name."

If he was going to be stuck teaching a castle full of weird brats, he might as well get a little fun out of it.

'-'

"We're welcoming two new staff members this year," Dumbledore announced. "First, taking up the newly revived position of Alchemy teacher is Professor Elric."

Ed stood, flashing a grin at the crowd of whispering students. He thought he heard the word "short" drift over and it took all his will power to stay still and keep his smile in place. He sat as the applause died down, twitching slightly.

"And secondly, Professor Dolores Umbridge will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts. Quidditch trials will be held…"

'-'

When the blond Professor Elric stood up, the first thing Ron noticed was his height. "He's short," he commented.

Harry nodded. "Yeah. How old is he? Looks like he's thirteen—but he can't be, he wouldn't be allowed to teach."

Elric's eye started twitching noticeably, and he looked annoyed in spite of his smile. Harry wondered why that was.

When Umbridge's name was announced, Hermione was the first to notice an inconsistency. She frowned. "What's Professor Elric's first name? Dumbledore said Umbridge's, but he didn't say Elric's."

The twins shrugged from their side of the table. "Probably just forgot to mention it. You know Dumbledore, he's a bit of a crackpot."

"Fred!" Hermione looked scandalized.

Fred held up his hands in surrender. "I'm only joking, Hermione! Don't get your knickers in a twist."

She rolled her eyes and turned her attention back to Dumbledore's speech.

'-'

"Well, welcome to Alchemy, I guess." Ed yawned, tossing a piece of chalk up and down in his hand. "I'm Professor Elric, as you know. Before we get started, does anyone have any questions?"

A pale blond kid with a pointed face—Ed predicted him to be even more of a brat than everyone else—raised his hand. "How old are you?"

If this had something to do with his height, he was going to flippin' _murder_ this kid. "I'm fifteen."

A few students gasped, and they'd better hope it wasn't because he was older than they expected.

"What I want to know," the pale kid drawled, "is why someone our age is teaching such an obscure and supposedly difficult subject."

"I'm talented and experienced," Ed snapped. "Any more questions, or can I start the lesson? You." He pointed to a bushy-haired girl in the front row.

She lowered her hand. "What's your first name?"

"Ah." Ed smirked. "You all have the year to guess, because I'm not telling you. Have fun."

'-'

"He won't tell us his name," Hermione informed them. "Said we had the year to guess because he's not saying what it is."

Fred and George exchanged a glance. "Well," George began, "let's make a bet."

"If we've guessed it by the end of the year, you owe us ten galleons," Fred continued.

"If not, it's the other way around," George finished.

"Deal?" they said together.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It can't be that hard to guess a name. I'm bound to lose, and I don't take bets anyway."

The twins sighed in mock defeat. "Very well, then—Harry? Will you take our bet?"

Harry thought for a moment. "Sure, why not?"

'-'

Fred groaned.

A month. A whole month into the school year, and they'd yet to guess Elric's first name. They hadn't thought it would be so difficult, and yet…

 _flashback_

" _Thomas?" Fred asked. He could see George was also getting frustrated at this point._

" _Nope." Elric sipped his pumpkin juice. "Try again."_

" _Benjamin?" George guessed._

" _Uh-uh."_

" _...Alex?"_

 _For some unfathomable reason, Elric burst out laughing. "No way—ha!" He put down his glass. "That's gotta be the funniest thing I've heard since the Colonel was soaked in orange juice at the cafeteria! But no, that's not it."_

" _Gilderoy?" George joked._

 _Edward stared at him blankly. "Why Gilderoy?"_

 _The twins stared at his golden hair. "...No reason."_

" _...Okay…"_

" _Edmond?" Fred tried._

 _Elric frowned, picking up his pumpkin juice again. "Close, but still no."_

 _So they went on._

 _end flashback_

Of course, they still had nine months to go. Surely they would be able to figure it out in that amount of time—after all, there were only so many names in the world. It was probably something completely ridiculous, like Capricornus.

'-'

"One more question, Mr. Elric," Dolores simpered, tapping her quill on her clipboard. "What is your name?"

"Professor Elric."

Her smile widened slightly, taking on an irritated edge. "What I mean to ask, Mr, Elric, is what your _first_ name is. Understand?"

Elric shrugged. "No idea, honestly. It could be Thomas or Benjamin, or Alex or Gilderoy, maybe Edmond—who knows?"

Dolores was not taken in by this ruse. She continued her line of questioning. "I'm sure you know your own name, Elric."

"Honestly," he said, "I really don't know. It might Claire, or Mary. I suppose we'll never find out."

He grinned, and his students snickered.

'-'

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PINT-SIZED MIDGET WHO CAN'T EVEN WRITE HIS OWN NAME BECAUSE THE PENCILS ARE TOO BIG FOR HIM?"

'-'

There were only two months left in the school year, and the Weasley twins were getting desperate.

"Please, Harry!" they begged in unison. "Let us see the map."

Harry grinned. "But that would be cheating. You bet ten galleons you would _guess_ his name by the end of the year, didn't they Hermione?"

She nodded. "It's true."

"So if you looked at the map, you wouldn't be guessing."

The twins groaned and slouched off to lament in a corner. Once Harry was sure they were out of earshot and eyesight, he whipped out the map and tapped it with his wand. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of this earlier.

The old parchment miraculously came to life before them, ink swirling and spiraling from the middle to create an incredibly detailed blueprint of every floor of the castle, accompanied by the location and movements of every living being in the school as well as their names. Harry was used to this though, so he didn't really care.

He searched the floors, eyes darting back and forth, reading names while Ron and Hermione looked over his shoulders.

"There!" Ron pointed to a spot on the fourth floor, where an Edward Elric was making his way hurriedly down a corridor followed by Umbridge and Mrs. Norris.

The three of them exchanged a glance, and grinned.

'-'

Edward was having the time of his life. That's not to say it was a good time, he was just amazed at how utterly annoying magic folk could be. The only upside to this was that no one had guessed his name, though it was also strange that they were incapable of thinking of something as simple as "Edward".

He managed to lose Umbridge and the blasted cat by taking a few redundant turns and ending up behind them, upon which he tiptoed away around another corner and made his way to his office, where there were some papers waiting to be graded. He was greeted at the door by a certain trio from Gryffindor who were all looking impossibly smug.

"Hey," he greeted them, stepping past to open the door. "What brings you to my doorstep?"

"Well," Weasley began smugly, "we've found some blackmail material."

Ed raised his eyebrows, striding backwards into his office so he could keep an eye on the mischievous children. "Oh? On who?"

They somehow looked even smugger, although Granger seemed a bit less enthusiastic than the other two.

"You," Potter stated smugly.

"Uh-huh," Ed said skeptically. "And what would that be?"

"We know your name."

They stepped into the office, closing the door behind them.

Ed stared at them for a moment. So maybe wizards and witches weren't all complete idiots. Deciding to play it cool instead of expressing his panic at the fact that his year-long prank was beginning to fall apart, he leaned against his desk. "Really, now? How'd you figure it out?"

Weasley crossed his arms smugly. "Wasn't that difficult, really. All it took was some reasoning and deduction—ow!" Potter had elbowed him in the ribs.

"What he means to say," Potter continued smugly, "is that's our little secret, Edward."

Oh, they really had figured it out.

"Actually," Granger began, "we used a magical map that tells us where everyone is and what their names are. Not that complicated."

So they hadn't figured it out, they'd been told. Magic folk really _were_ idiots.

"Hermione!" Weasley and Potter complained at once.

"What? He can keep a secret, he's been hiding his name all year."

"That's not—never mind," Potter sighed. "Point is, we have blackmail material."

Ed frowned. "What are you gonna make me do?"

The three stared blankly.

"We… hadn't thought of that."

'-'

In the end they didn't blackmail him at all, much to his relief.

'-'

"Another year, come and gone," Dumbledore announced to the somber Great Hall. He went on to warn about the threat of Voldemort as well as reminding everyone not to let their cats out at night in case they got hurt or never came back, this in reference to Professor McGonagall, who had been staying at Saint Mungo's for a time. "Finally, I believe Professor Elric has something to say."

Elric stood, and Fred and George sat up straighter. "Yes, thank you Dumbledore. Now, I'm aware that most of you are curious about my first name. It's Edward, and I can't believe none of you idiots guessed it."

The twins' jaws dropped, and they looked at each other. They couldn't believe they hadn't guessed it either.

Elric, _Edward_ went to sit down as whispers swept the hall, but paused. He straightened up again and fixed everyone with a piercing glare. "Don't tell Umbitch."

* * *

 **Hahaheyyyy, this is something I started a couple years ago. I reread it last night and decided to finish it, so here it is, completed and rewritten. Hooray!**

 **Funny how many humor fics I write for FMA/HP when I barely ever read the ones other people write.**

 **-Quiet Leaf**


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